


Even the stars are too loud sometimes

by Flying_Raven



Series: Neurodivergent Julian Bashir [1]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Autism, Autism Spectrum, Autistic Julian Bashir, Friendship, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Julian has a hard day, Kind Garak, Minor Meltdown, Neurodiversity, Not Beta Read, Overstimulation, Sensory Overload, and Garak helps him a bit, somewhat of a vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-08-29
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:55:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26180767
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Flying_Raven/pseuds/Flying_Raven
Summary: Julian has been overworking himself for a while and it is catching up with in in the form of sensory overload.Alternate description: Julian Bashir is autistic and doesn't know his own limits. Luckily, Garak is understanding and helps him take a break.
Relationships: Julian Bashir & Elim Garak
Series: Neurodivergent Julian Bashir [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1904377
Comments: 6
Kudos: 73





	Even the stars are too loud sometimes

**Author's Note:**

> Parts of Julian's experiences are written from my own experiences as someone who has autism and gets sensory overload. I wrote this as somewhat of a vent fic and it turned out a lot better than expected. I had some trouble writing Garak's dialogue as I'm not a native English speaker and the way Garak speaks is quite hard to replicate, so I hope I did him justice! I hope you enjoy this fic!

The world was too loud today. Normally the world was already loud, but today it was worse than it had been in a while. Julian noticed this as soon as he was woken up by his alarm at 7000 hours. The sheets of his normally soft bed grated against his skin and the whining of the alarm dug into his head. 

“Computer, turn off the alarm.” He managed to say, but even his voice sounded rough against his sensitive ears. Today was going to be rough. “Lights at 45%” He said. The computer complied wordlessly. Julian groaned and sat up. Why was everything cold? Had he turned down the temperature in his room before going to sleep? Or was the sensory overload messing with his perception of temperature today? He couldn’t decide. So he pushed himself out of bed and shuddered as his feet touched the cold floor. 

Maybe he could take today off and rest? No, that wasn’t an option. It had been incredibly busy on the station the past few weeks leading up to a Bajoran holiday and he couldn’t afford to leave the infirmary alone until the celebrations had calmed down. Sensory blockers or dimmers weren’t an option either, they would lead to reduced reflexes and in an emergency he couldn’t afford that.    
He put on his uniform, usually it was pretty comfortable, or at least the texture didn’t bother him too much, but today it almost burned against his skin. He could deal with that, at least normally he would be able to deal with it. But when sound also buzzes in your head very unpleasantly it was an horrible combination.    
  
He managed to get to the infirmary without incident. He’d forgone breakfast, as the idea of eating anything made his stomach churn unpleasantly. He nodded a goodmorning to nurse Jabara as he sat down at his desk in the back of the room. The beeping of the instruments around him was enough to bother him quite a lot, but he couldn’t exactly do anything about it. He counted himself lucky that he didn’t have any surgeries planned today, he was in no state to operate on anyone without risking them harm. He pressed one hand against one of his ears, shutting out some of the sound subtly. It was sitting like this he allowed himself to get absorbed into the research project he was working on. Blessedly, his focus seemed to take over and he lost himself in it.

A few minutes later… Or was it hours? It must have been hours as suddenly Garak was standing in front of him, saying something he didn’t process. He blinked in confusion as he forced his brain to form the words he wanted to say.

“I’m sorry Garak, what did you say? I was… preoccupied.” He said, putting the padd down on his desk and removing his hand from his ear. 

“As it seems, yes. I was saying that it seems that your lunch break has started over 30 minutes ago and you have yet to make your way to our regular spot. Of course, if this was your intention and you merely forgot to tell me I can of course leave you to your business.” Garak said, Julian couldn’t quite process if he was amused or annoyed. It was hard enough to tell on a good day. Julian shook his head and got up, suppressing a wince as the light in the infirmary seemed to fully hit him once more.

“I must have gotten absorbed in what I was reading about Garak, I’m so sorry. You want to head over to the replimat?” He asked. Garak nodded and started to walk. 

To be honest, the idea of eating in a loud, overwhelming place felt like the worst idea in the world to Julian, but he really didn’t want to let Garak down. Besides, he always enjoyed his lunches with him, even on bad days. Why would today be any different?    
  
Julian regretted this thought as soon as they reached the replimat. It was loud, very loud. He had to force every muscle in his body to not turn away and run back to… the infirmary? His quarters? Thoughts and intentions were starting to blur together in an unpleasant mix of distress and slight embarrassment as his predicament. Garak must have noticed him stopping, because he paused walking and looked over at Julian. 

“Are you doing quite alright my dear Doctor? You seem very…” Garak hesitated for a moment, seemingly looking for the right word. “Distressed.” He finished.    
Julian wanted to nod, god he wanted to just say he was okay and get on with the lunch. But his throat felt like it was closing up. The flardes of conversation from all around the room were hitting his ears, making his muscles twitch involuntarily and his thoughts spin. He managed to shake his head and mutter something.   
“Too much. Too loud. Can’t.” He froze again, feeling himself start to shake. From the corner of his eye he barely processed Garak nodding, looking minorly concerned.

“Do you want to head back to the infirmary Doctor?” Garak asked, but Julian frantically shook his head. “Quarters perhaps?” Garak continued. Julian nodded quickly at this.    
  
A small piece of him felt embarrassed about this. Garak knew about his autism, it had come up in conversation a while ago during a discussion at lunch. And while Cardassians didn’t have something like it, Garak had seemed to understand it and had accepted it as another human curiosity. But Julian hated being seen like this, seen like some wounded animal. Like a child who couldn’t take care of himself. Perhaps it was the years of his parents telling him he was wrong. Telling him to stop flapping his hands when he got excited, telling him to stop ‘behaving like a broken child.’ when he did something they didn’t accept as normal. When his dad would smack him for not behaving. Garak placed a firm hand on his shoulder, and while Julian flinched at the touch at first, he quickly but vaguely noticed that the firm pressure did seem to help somewhat. 

Garak led him back to his quarters, opening the door and leading him to the couch. Julian sat down and pressed his hands against his face, digging them into his hair in an attempt to ground himself. Garak sat down next to him, hand still on Julian’s shoulder. 

“Do you want me to stay Doctor? Or do you desire to be alone?” Garak asked. It took Julian a while to form the words to answer, although he vaguely noticed that it slowly seemed to become easier.

“Stay please. I’m sorry I ruined our lunch Garak. I didn’t…” He paused to take a deep breath, perhaps to fight back the tears threatening to spill. “Didn’t expect today to be as overwhelming as it has turned out to be.” He looked up at Garak, not meeting his eyes, but looking at his nose, his forehead, just his face. He managed a wry smile. “God, I hate being me sometimes.” He squeezed out, dropping his head back into his hands. He felt Garak squeeze his shoulder softly. 

“I won’t claim to know what you are experiencing Doctor, but if you so desire I will stay here with you. Perhaps if you feel up to it we could have our lunch here?” He suggested. Julian thought for a while, before slowly looking up again and nodding.

“I think… I think I would like that Garak… but...” He paused again as he realised he’d probably need to get back to the infirmary soon. Garak seemed to notice this and guessed his thoughts.

“Considering your… state, I would suggest you send one of your nurses a message and take the rest of the day off. I’m sure you’re no use to them in this state.” He said, perhaps a bit bluntly. But Julian nodded.

“I’d forgotten how debilitating overloads can be, it’s quite infuriating.” He said. He tapped his comebadge and quickly sent Jabara a message, leaving out some of the details but still managing to convey what was needed. She agreed with him, telling him to rest and that she hoped this would resolve very soon. As soon as the communication was over he looked back over at Garak and smiled softly. “I think if we take it slowly I’d be up for that lunch now.” He said. With that, Garak smiled, and they sat down for lunch.

Julian wasn’t cured from the overload immediately, of course he wasn’t. That would take at least a few quiet days. But the quiet lunch with Garak helped immensely. It was times like this, where his friends understood, when he could take rest when needed, those were the times he could relish. Life wasn’t always easy, especially when your brain isn’t wired for the world sometimes, but the peaceful, understanding moments like these always made it a little bearable. 


End file.
